There is a looming ecological catastrophy that needs to be addressed or the world will see unfathomable destruction by the year 2040, say some prominent scientists. According to studies done by the Society for the Promotion of Overall Continental Kinetics [SPOCK], man-made continental drift is quickly developing as a major threat to the lives of between 1.8 and 2.3 billion people.
Over the course of human existence, the continents have been moving. Prominent scientists from SPOCK now believe that human activities such as drilling holes for oil or water, mining underground for diamonds and minerals, digging foundations for new buildings, tilling the ground for farming, and driving heavy vehicles [such as trains, subway cars, trucks, and SUV's] across the earth's surface or through tunnels underneath the earth have all played important roles in speeding up continental drift. Many argue that, if left unchecked, Manhattan Island will crash into Connecticut by the year 2018, and the British Isles will slam into Iceland and Greenland by the years 2027 and 2035, respectively. These disasters alone would cost millions of lives, the experts agree, especially among those too poor or elderly to escape to safer locations. But what really causes concern with the scientists is their prediction that by 2040, the Continental Divide--that boundary which separates the rivers and streams so that some flow east towards the Atlantic Ocean whereas others flow west towards the Pacific Ocean--will be the actual points of divide of the Western Hemisphere. This would result in North and South America becoming Northeast, Northwest, Southeast, and Southwest America. A similar division has already begun in Central Europe, necessitating the creation of two new countries in what was once Czechoslovakia as well as multiple new countries in the former Yugoslavia.
Luckily, all is not yet lost, but scientists warn that the world does not have much time left for inaction. They believe that, if the world works together, it can avert this horrific, man-made calamity by following a logical plan. This is what the experts propose:
1. End all unnecessary disturbances of the earth's crust.
2. Plant small-scale atomic bombs over the globe so as to enable the scientists to redirect continental drifts. [Iran has already promised to donate some of the enriched uranium used for their proposed nuclear power plants to alter the direction of Israel's drift.]
3. Use a combination of large magnets, long cables, and wenches to pull the continents back to where they properly belong.
The only major issue left for the scientists and politicians to answer is how much needs to be done to correct the damage already caused by man-made continental drift. While some experts believe that moving the continents back to where they were in 1800 would be enough to avoid most of the imminent destruction, more drastic measures might need to be taken. The famous geologist Dr. Shel Silverstein believes that the continents must be pulled back together to how they once were when they all formed the single, united continent of Pangaea. In August 2009, SPOCK published his article, entitled "Where and Why the Sidewalk Ends: Reversing the break-up of the continents." In the article, Dr. Silverstein noted that:
we cannot merely allow the world to be only partially mended. We cannot accept a proposal that only returns the continents to where they were a mere two centuries ago. Such a quick fix would delay, but not solve, the destruction at hand. Indeed, if we do not want our children or our children's children to face the devastating, accumulated effects of this crisis, we must act promptly and act boldly. Let us follow the recent example of the Russians. Faced with a growing chasm between their country and Georgia, the Russians last year attacked the problem vigorously. As a result, Georgia is no longer drifting westward as it was during the Bush Administration but is being pressured northward towards Moscow.
As I see it, this pulling of land northward is, in fact, the ideal solution for two major reasons. First, it employs the magnetic force of the North Pole to reconnect straying lands and peoples. Second, by locating Pangaea on or near the North Pole, we will be supplying much-needed food and land for starving polar bears, thereby warding off their extinction.
It is rumored that the Obama Administration is considering convening a group of U.N. experts, led by either Joe Biden or Rahm Emmanuel, to address this looming catastrophe of man-made continental drift. When asked to confirm this, White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs elusively gave the resonse, "Concerning man-made continental drift, a problem which this administration inherited, President Obama loves polar bears and will do everything in his power to help them, but I am not able to offer further specifics about the issue at this time."